Letter to my Past Self

Danielle Potack

1 Hawk Drive

New Paltz, NY 12561

 

September 17, 2021

 

Danielle Potack

8 Bluebird Court

Clarkstown, NY 10956

 

Hi,

I’m writing to you now, as an 18-year-old, to talk to you about some things. I know Freshman year isn’t off to the best start, to say the least. But listen, you do make it through this, and it does eventually work itself out. If you’d let me, though, I’d like to give you some advice about what’s happening for you now and some of the things coming in the near future.

First, I want you to consider that there are some things that you don’t have to share with certain people. Even if someone is sharing a lot about themselves, it doesn’t mean you have to do the same. I don’t want to tell you what not to talk to them about, although I do want you to think carefully about what you’re choosing to let them in on. I know how this will end, and I’m sorry but it’s not pretty. The things that you choose to confide will ultimately be used against you. I know how much that sucks to hear and I’m so sorry that they aren’t the people you want them to be. In the meantime, though, they will keep telling you things you can’t handle. I know you’re grateful to them because you feel like you finally have people who understand, and they feel the same, however there’s a very fine line between understanding and violating boundaries. All three of you are struggling right now. So, my advice to you is that you redefine your boundaries with both of them. They shouldn’t be able to come to you with everything, and you shouldn’t dump everything on them either. I know you want to be there for them, and you can do that without it hurting you.

On that note, we have to talk about Michael. You don’t fully realize what your brain has done here, but I have the benefit of hindsight. Don’t lie to him. And don’t lie to yourself. I know you think you need to because of the place he’s in and that’s exactly why you shouldn’t. I think that deep down you know that you’re not being honest, and I know that you’re hoping that maybe things will change. Still, it won’t change if you just “suck it up and deal until he’s better”, it wouldn’t change if he woke up tomorrow suddenly the exact person you wish he was, and that’s okay. You don’t have to tell him what he wants to hear for him to improve. He will get better even if he knows the truth.

As for your plans for January 7th, I can’t tell you not to go. I don’t want you to go; however, I know you will anyway. I do want you to remember this: tell someone. And tell him how you feel about everything. He’s going to say and do (and try to do) some really uncomfortable things. He’s not a bad person and he doesn’t mean any harm but that doesn’t mean it’ll hurt you any less. So, you need to tell somebody and make it clear to him that what he did was unacceptable, and you won’t tolerate it. You’re not going to hurt his feelings by telling him and even if you do, that’s on him. You shouldn’t have to suffer just in case he doesn’t handle the truth well. Michael needs help that you cannot give him, and I want you to encourage him to seek that help from someone else, a professional, for the benefit of you both.

Beyond your friends, though, school is going to be okay. It seems a bit murky to me now, considering it was four years ago already, I think you’re in that weird in-between period where you’re not sure what’s going to happen and you’re still really against the major suggestion. I understand why you don’t want that. Yet it’s going to happen anyway (and it seems like all this letter has done so far is bring you bad news. I promise it’s all worth it and it gets better really soon). I know that sounds awful right now, but it is the best thing that ever happens to you. I’m writing to you now from my college dorm, which seems impossible to you. Yes, you make it to college. You graduated high school on time, too. And Birchwood is probably the only reason why. I wouldn’t be here without that place. That school is also the reason I’m majoring in adolescent education and the reason that I’m hoping to get a master’s degree in special education. So, when you do go there in March, do your best to embrace it. It won’t be easy at first, but it does get easier, and you’ll walk out of there with some of the best memories.

Overall, be honest with yourself and other people. Set clear boundaries and don’t be afraid to stick to them. You’re trying as hard as you can with school, there is no “if I just tried harder maybe then…”, even if your brain has you convinced that you’re not trying hard enough.

It will work itself out, just accept the help you’re given. You’re going to be okay.

 

Much love,

Danielle

 

Letter to my Future Self

Danielle Potack

1 Hawk Drive

New Paltz, NY 12561

 

September 17, 2021

 

Danielle Potack

466 Salisbury Point

Nyack, NY 10960

 

Hi,

I’m writing to you from your first year of college and honestly, this is so strange. I guess I never sat down and thought clearly about what my life would look like past the point I’m in now. I got so used to having to focus on getting through whatever the current situation was. Regardless, I’m excited to talk to you. I hope things are going well. I hope you actually were able to do the five-year program and you’ve graduated with your master’s degree, if not then this is a little awkward, considering I chose to write to you five years in the future for that exact reason. Do you have a job yet? I realize that that’s probably not the best way to phrase that question and also that everyone probably asks you that daily. But I want to know mostly because I want to know how you’re doing and I’m assuming that if you have a job already, things are going well.

But I have some other questions for you. Like, am I doing enough right now? I recognize that this is probably imposter syndrome, but I just get the feeling that I’m already behind, like I maybe don’t even belong here in the first place. I feel like I’m constantly trying to prove myself but there isn’t anybody I’m proving myself to, it’s just me. Am I taking challenging enough courses? It seems weird to say but I feel like I’m not stressed enough. All my friends are worried about something, or they have a bunch of work that they’re always doing, and I can’t tell if I’m just managing my time well or if I’m not taking hard enough classes. Should my classes be more challenging? Am I supposed to be drowning in homework? Am I going to get to a point where this becomes an actual problem outside of my own head? I just want to know that I’m on the right track and I’m not falling behind and I’m not already failing at all of this. I’m not failing classes, that’s not what I mean, but hopefully you understand what I mean.

Right now, I’m doing some work on some… personal stuff. Some of the stuff my brain has been really mean to me about. It’s been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. I guess I’m wondering if I am able to work through it or am I still dealing with this at age 24? (Or are you 23? Side question: am I still bad at math?) I really hope that, by now, you’ve been able to sort through it at least enough that it’s not on your mind as constantly as its on mine. I don’t want to believe that this causes problems forever, but it’s causing problems right now and I wish it wasn’t. I’ve been linking it back to Michael (yes, even four years after the fact), but have you had some other realization? Is there a different reason that I’m not seeing right now? What should I do about it?

Also, do you have a boyfriend yet? I mean, look, I don’t want to focus on this but as of right now boys are driving me crazy, so I’d like to know if it works out. I think it’s a fair question. If you have any advice on what I should do about him right now, please tell me because I’m stuck.

Moving on, it seems a bit silly, but I just really need to know if I’ll start dressing the way I want soon. I’d hoped to get to college, to get away from home and all the opinions there and be comfortable enough to actually express myself the way I’ve always felt I couldn’t. I still feel kind of stuck, even now, and I just really am not happy with the way I present myself currently. I’m really thankful to be surrounded with new people who didn’t know me when I was twelve, and therefore don’t still define me now based on the person I was then, so I think there’s a really good chance that I’ll find the confidence to do it. I haven’t found it yet but it’s still early and I have hope. Are you dressing the way I (we?) always wanted to?

If you do have a job, where is it? Did you actually find one in an alternative school/special ed. school? I know that, realistically, I probably won’t start out there, but it’d be really cool if I got to. I know that they all wanted you to come back and work at Birchwood, and for a little bit you thought you might like that, too, but please tell me you don’t work there. That school will always have a place in my heart but oh my god I cannot imagine going back there as an employee. I can’t do it. I understand that, comparatively speaking, teachers in Clarkstown make good money but I don’t want it to come down to the money. I want to branch out and find a place that can really and truly be my own. Please tell me I’m not working in my former high school.

Along a similar line, I know I addressed this to you as if you live in Nyack, which would be fun, but are you planning to go anywhere else? I don’t want to stay that close to home. I want to go new places and have new experiences and adventures. Who knows maybe I’ll move to a whole different region, or even a different country? Or maybe I’ll end up living somewhere up here, which I would also be happy with. I want a life that isn’t tied to home forever. Do I get that? Have you gone cool places and found somewhere to call home that’s brand new? If you haven’t yet, that’s okay. But I at least hope you’re planning on it.

Okay, I didn’t expect this to be so long, I should probably wrap it up. If you have anything that you wish you’d known your first year of college, please tell me. I would welcome literally any advice you have with open arms.

 

Love,

Danielle

 

Reflection

For our first assignment, I learned about myself and my writing process. I’ve written letters before, and that helped me in terms of having some idea of how to structure my assignment. I did sort of have an outline for this assignment. What happened was as soon as this assignment was introduced, I knew what I wanted to write for my past self. I wrote to myself during a time I think back to often, so I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to say. My actual outlines for this assignment were bullet points in my notebook of ideas of questions to ask my future self or things I wanted to include in the letter to my past self. The outlines, while helpful, didn’t have much bearing on my final draft. As I began writing the letters, I came up with things to say as I went along.

For the peer review aspect, I felt I actually didn’t get a lot out of in-class peer review. My partner gave praise to my letters, which I appreciated, but didn’t give me any real pointers on what I could improve. So, when it came time to revise my letters, I was stuck. To solve this problem, I asked a different friend in class if they would read over my letters and give me feedback. This was helpful, and they had really insightful things to say, which ended up changing the tone of my letter to my past self. Initially, I was angry with my past self. But my friend encouraged me to try being gentler and to see where that got me.

Speaking to my past self was difficult, especially when I started trying to talk to her more gently. I wrote to myself during a difficult time and had a lot I wished I could change. But thinking about how my 14-year-old self actually would’ve reacted to the letter shifted my view on the assignment. Speaking to my future self was also difficult. I had no idea what I wanted to ask.  I hadn’t given the subject any thought, so I had to dig to find things I wanted to know about.

For a grade on this assignment, I’d give myself somewhere in the B+ to A- range. This is difficult for me, because I have a habit of being overly self-critical. If I have to try to be objective, I think I did pretty well. I worked hard, and I believe my writing shows the effort I put in. I think that, if I were to do this assignment again, I’d try to seek out a time I was more comfortable having others read about, because I was (and still am) worried my letter to my past self is too vague. So, for next time, I should spend more time in the brainstorming portion of writing, and not just use the first idea that came to mind.