My Closure

I guess I just want to tell you how you made me feel; how everything played out.

We were exclusive, you’re the one who wanted that. Who said that it would be like that.

You only admitted to as much you could get away with.

You claimed you felt bad, that being with more than one person was not something you did.

2 days later you said hello to her with me right there next to you.  No te importaba.

You tried so hard to hide your relation to her while simultaneously trying so hard to make her existence evident.

Everyone knew but me and you felt no guilt about it.

Regardless of whatever title we may have had or lacked, we were together.

Me and you,

You broke that…

You told me you were afraid of heartbreak…

but told everyone else you just wanted to fuck around.

When I felt paranoid about you not feeling the way you told me you felt, you made me feel crazy.

But I was right.

The

Whole

Time.

You never wanted me or ever cared for me but you tried to make me think otherwise.

You repeatedly lied to me and had no remorse.

That’s what hurt me. You made me believe.

I felt disrespected.

I still do.

But I don’t want to keep feeling like this

Like I have to go out of my way to hate you, ignore you, even hide from you.

Mi corazón nunca se ha sentido tan frío y espero el regreso de primavera.

I’ve never been the type of person to address my feelings.  Feelings scare me.

I haven’t addressed what happened with us and I’ve been trying to fill a void,

A void I shouldn’t even have because you did me so wrong.

I keep finding myself with guys that are just like you and I don’t want to do it anymore.

Tu eres ‪tóxico y yo no merecia tanto daño,

I’m here to get rid of that toxicity that has been in me for far too long.

I don’t want to be like my mami or my tias,

Constantly reliant upon a man

Never being able to escape,

Taking shit they don’t deserve because they have no other options.

That’s the one part of my cultura that I cannot retain.

I’m done with the machista bullshit.

Yo soy fuerte, inteligente, y no te necesito.

I decided to write about something I’ve been going through this past week and recently decided to address.  After reading the various narratives in This Bridge Called My Back, I started to notice a collection of issues that related to this.  They were not at the forefront of the themes these women were touching upon, but I still found them important.  Two issues that stood out to me were the issue of sexism by women to women and the differences in generations from mother to daughter.  I realized that I have always been taught to be inferior to men by everyone in my family, including the women.  More importantly, I have realized that my elders grew up in a different time period.  I have the opportunity and resources to separate myself from this ingrained sexism and push for the equality of myself and fellow women.