A Further Look to Paper 4
When analyzing the paper “The Playbook to Managing Mental Health as a Student-Athlete,” by Emily Guglielmo, we can see that this piece struggles with its grammar and syntax. Implementing wordy sentences can make it difficult for others to read, making it hard to comprehend the author’s message. Guglielmo’s piece is powerful as she implemented her personal experience into this piece. Through the courses’ writing pieces, improvement has been made within this piece as I was comfortable with this topic and could easily relate to it. However, working on this piece’s grammar and syntax will drastically affect the message and how powerful it comes across.
Syntax is one of the most critical elements of writing as it allows the writers to communicate to the readers. Without proper syntax, it is difficult to understand the “…qualities of rhythm and coherence throughout a piece of writing” (Purdue Owl). With the help of syntax, writers “…can keep readers attentive and interested” (Lunsford and Ruszkiewicz 330). Alternating the sentence lengths can create “…serviceable, discrete, thoughtful, playful” (Lunsford and Ruszkiewicz 331) tones within the piece, allowing you to emphasize key ideas. With the proper sentence structure, Guglielmo would have ensured that the reader was on point throughout the entire piece and fully grasped what was trying to be said.
The syntax throughout this piece can be challenging to understand. Guglielmo tries to explain where burnouts may occur within an athlete’s journey. Furthermore, “A lot of athletes tend to blame it on the poor coaching or the many injuries they’ve had over the years, however, when examining what led to my burnout, it was my mental health” (Guglielmo). Rather than having one wordy sentence, it could have been broken up into two sentences, trimming down the wordiness. Guglielmo could have stated, “Many athletes tend to blame it for poor coaching or their many injuries. However, my mental health, when examined, led to my burnout.” These two sentences convey the point concisely and are more accessible for the reader to understand. The correct syntax usage interprets the comprehension of what may lead to burnout correctly.
Grammar was another issue that was evident in Guglielmo’s piece. Guglielmo struggled with conjunctions and coordination in this piece and made article errors. Coordination and conjunctions work together as the words used for coordination “…work in ways that parallel the simple conjunctions…but are more complex” (Purdue Owl). Conjunctions “…allow you to connect two sentences without changing any of the words in the original sentence” (Purdue Owl). Since conjunctions and coordination are very similar, they can be confused. Another issue that arose in this paper was article errors. An article is like adjectives: they both “…modify nouns” (Purdue Owl). It is vital to use the proper article as it refers “to a specific or particular” (Purdue Owl) noun. Regarding coordination and conjunction, the words “and” and “but” were not grammatically correct in the traditional sense. However, these words are progressively incorporated in today’s writings but cannot be utilized in formal writings as they may seem incorrect.
Guglielmo’s work shows she needs help with article errors, conjunctions, and coordination. Instead of writing, “And with this, it can be difficult to make plans with friends outside of basketball as you are constantly on a schedule” (Guglielmo), Guglielmo could have said something along the lines of “And with sports, you are constantly surrounded by your team. Although they are built-in friends, it is also healthy to further your horizons among friendships.” Implementing the correct conjunctions and coordination clarifies who and what in the sentence- creating a smoother sentence. Having the first sentence is crucial as it provides background information about whom athletes socialize with the most. The following sentence agrees with the first but also emphasizes that making friends outside your sport is essential. Although the revision will begin with the word “and,” it is grammatically correct as the Op-Ed was not as formal as other papers she has written. Later, in Guglielmo’s paper, she talks about different methods that could be improvised to prevent mental health issues. Guglielmo mentions, “In addition to mental health awareness month, NCAA college athletes…” (Guglielmo). Adding “the” prior to NCAA is crucial as the NCAA is a specific noun.
I believe Guglielmo’s writing has improved since the first paper. If Guglielmo had taken away these grammar and syntax mistakes, her writing would have been more comprehensive- and, therefore, smoother. Improving on these issues will allow Guglielmo’s writing to be more powerful, and her words will be more effective for the readers.
Works Cited:
“Conjunctions and Coordination.” Conjunctions and Coordination – Purdue OWL® – Purdue University, owl.purdue.edu/owl/multilingual/multilingual_students/combining_sentences/conjunctions_and_coordination.html.
Lunsford, Andrea A., and John J. Ruszkiewicz. Everything’s An Argument. Bedford/St.Martin’s, 2022.
“Using Articles.” How to Use Articles (a/an/the) – Purdue OWL® – Purdue University, owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/grammar/using_articles.html.