Colin Bracksieck

Dani Gardner

ENG 160

7 November 2023

Shame and Hatred (and Healing)

Many things in life are not guaranteed, and there are so many different people out in the world, but there are some things that unite almost the entirety of the human population, things everyone feels or experiences such as love, anger, sadness, and shame. Shame is one of the most dreadful and powerful of these emotions, forcing people to hide away or change who they truly are. Some people seem to have more shame than others, but it is also a very fickle thing and can manifest itself in different ways. While many people might imagine things like makeup or unhealthy dieting which have become so prevalent in our modern culture, there are an infinite amount of ways shame finds to manipulate the human mind. Shame affects everyone, but there are ways to take control over it and sometimes those who you might imagine having the most shame are the best to learn from.

Crystal Rasmussen, a non-binary drag queen, gave a TED talk on their “queer journey from shame to self-love” detailing important moments of their life, the struggles they’ve faced, and how they ultimately came to love themself and get many of those around them to love themself as well. Love is more powerful than shame, but sometimes love is harder to find whether it be from yourself or from those around you. Crystal speaks about how there was no representation for someone like them growing up, all they had was their own reflection in their mirror. When they came out as gay, they faced a lot of judgment and shame from those around them, which naturally ended up internalized and repeated by themself. To combat this, they adopted a “killer, if not overcompensatory, bitchy gay personality”.

When they finally began to do drag, they were able to look at themselves in the mirror and find love, not only from themself, but from others around them too. They had begun to feel much more comfortable in their own skin, with their family, friends, partners, in their job, and just generally throughout life but even after many years of learning to love the self, it isn’t hard to revert back into self-hatred. They were brutally attacked one night leaving them hospitalized and traumatized. For a moment this caused them to fall back into that old familiar shame, but then they had a realization. They realized every single person carries shame and they started noticing it everywhere; “Even my attacker. He was so filled with shame because of what masculinity had done to him that upon seeing my difference, he lashed out at me with his fists”.

As a trans (and generally outwardly queer person) it is easy to see why I find this talk so important. I, along with many others in the LGBTQ+ community, have gone through a similar journey, battling through hatred coming from other people and coming from myself. I find it empowering to see myself and my struggle represented through Crystal, and to have hope on days where that shame comes sneaking back in, and I know it helps others in the community as well.

But what about the people who aren’t queer? What do the majority of people gain from this TED talk beyond a better understanding of the queer experience? Wrestling shame is a part of everyone’s life, it doesn’t matter your gender or your race or your sexuality, everyone has it. Your shame and my shame and Crystal’s shame will all look different, but it is present. Hatred is born from shame. Most of the time when people attack others, it comes from a place of self-hatred and fear. Prejudices such as homophobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, and much more, do a disservice to every single person under the system, not just those oppressed by it. No one can truly be free until everyone is free. While Crystal, myself, and many others (including you) can learn to manage it on a personal basis, the issue lies much deeper than any one person.

Challenge yourself and listen, really listen, to what Crystal says in their talk. Listen not just as a bystander hearing a retelling of their life story but find how it applies to you. Look to the people around you and see what you can learn about your own shame and how it affects your views of yourself and the world around you.